the worst few minutes of my life

GOD always has a way of reminding me who's in control, and why i cannot give up the good fight. last night i was faced with the fear of losing my child when Laila had a seizure in the middle of her sleep.

mid afternoon, laila began to be feverish, and automatically i knew it was because she has 6 new teeth coming in. bo's parents urged us to take her to the hospital, but we assumed it was just a normal fever and that we could fight it with tylenol/motrin easily. she was sleepy most of the rest of the day and wanted nothing else but to nurse. i should've been tipped off when i saw her shaking a bit when she was wanting to go to sleep. she had not eaten since lunch and it was nearing 9pm when i saw it. but again, i didn't give it much thought because of her teething and i thought that she had felt better after the medicine and playing with me and her sisiter for a good hour. she fell asleep on her stomach and almost 45 mins later we heard her cry a bit...and then my husband screamed when he saw that she had stiffened up and he recognized that "look" she had in her face (his little sister constantly had seizures as a kid). by the time i turned around she was shaking in that stiff position, with her teeth clenched. as we tried to pry her mouth open and get our fingers in there to keep her tongue down and mouth open for air, her eyes were still open but not "there"...her body was still stiff as i held her tightly and pushed my fingers through her mouth. she chomped down so hard, but i didn't care if she bit my finger off, as long as i could keep the airway open and stop her from swallowing her tongue (i was in panic mode and had NO IDEA what to do. luckily bo had seen this so many times before as a kid, so i listened to him instruct me on how to handle her.) i screamed a lot. i yelled for his dad, i think it was because i wanted someone near who could give her a blessing. moments later, her teeth were still clamping on my fingers, but her face started to turn blue, and her eyes rolled back...even her body stopped shaking...it was the worst feeling in the world. i just kept yelling at her to get up and listen to mommy's voice. when i heard her moaning about 15 seconds later, i knew that she was still alive. her chomp loosened up but she wouldn't wake up...i feared the worst as i tried to look for signs as we drove to the hospital. and then the thought of going to the junkest hospital in the world just made me cringe even more, but since i wanted her to get attention ASAP, we had no choice.

what the doctors called a "fever seizure" is common they say, because sometimes it's not how hot a child gets, but how quickly their temp can jump, even just a few degrees.she was 100.4 when we got there but she was able to cry and opened her eyes there. after tests, they decided that she MAY or MAY NOT have a little pneumonia (yah, i don't get what "may or may not" means either)...she must've been closer to "may not" because they just sent us home with some antiboitics and more tylenol because her vitals were good and they couldn't find any reason to keep her. by the time we came home she was already feeling cooler. dad stopped at the store to get popsicles and juice and soup, and let me tell you i have never been so happy to see her eat...ever. she even talked to us, laughed and danced, and walked around until she fell asleep in her grandma's arms.

while waiting for laila's test results at the ER, my daughter lole and i had a moment. laila was sleeping in my arms and all the emotion caught up to me, especially the guilt every mother feels when anything happens to their child. i looked over and saw that it was the same for lole, the emotion had caught up to her too and she was holding back the tears until i called her name. we cried together. she was so sad.  i told her i would say a prayer for her sister so that she would feel better and so that those around her could feel comfort that she would be ok. it was during this time that i realized all the drama from the day before--fighting with my husband because of his alcohol problem and not coming home from work until 8am the next day--is all so INSIGNIFICANT when compared to the bigger picture: the well-being and safety of my kids, my overall happiness as their mother, and our future together as a family.

as always, my mountains seem so small when compared to the love that can MOVE those mountains, the love of a heavenly father who continually shows me how to realign my priorities/feelings and to cherish my children like the true gifts that they are. while experiencing the worst few minutes of my life, heavenly father brought me to humility...to remembrance of who's in control...that my trials are teaching me to lay the burden where it belongs so i can focus on my children, my family, and the joy that can be attained.