Giant Sunday

After work, I went to my sister's for Super Bowl feasting and The Orator  watching with my parents.  I caught maybe 2 mins of the entire Bowl game today, but was happy to hear that the Giants came away with the win! Aside from breaking my diet, I had one of those grateful-to-be-alive-and-working days, because most of my work day was spent having deep, meaningful conversations with a co-worker about life, and family, and the obstacles that make us who we are. A lot's been a lot on my mind today. My job, my kids, the hubbz, our future...

I woke up 4 times last night, twice for my husband, and the other 2 for my 3 year old. I worked a double shift last night, so I fell asleep shortly after I got home, close to 11pm. An hour or two later, I wake up to find my husband missing. I knew exactly where he was, but it wasn't the fact that he went to faikava, it was the SNEAKY way he did it. So I called his cousin (Bo conveniently left his phone at home) so that I could let him know I wasn't happy. I felt my angry, hateful, "I'll show you", "don't make me come over there" attitude coming out again, and I decided to just sleep it off, only instead of that happening, I woke up to one of those cheating dreams. That made me angry again so I attempted to go back to sleep because I needed to sleep for my morning shift. An hour later, I awoke to ANOTHER cheat dream and at that point I just wanted to start throwing punches (in my dreams I always do)! Unfortunately, Bo was still gone, and now my 3 year old was sleeping next to me. Said 3 year old threw up in bed twice, so I had to get up and clean throw up two separate times. (No words for what I wanted to do to Bo by then.) I even heard exactly when he walked in the door, because I had just laid down after soaking the throw up clothes in the laundry soap...but I didn't have the energy (nor the time) to argue.

I got up feeling both rested and still a little irritated, but ended up having THE easiest shift ever. I felt calm, at ease and reflected on my new found ability to let...things...go... Hands down, my biggest foe over the years  because my point always had to be made, my anger always had to be voiced, and I needed to make him feel my hurt, by any means. But every time I thought my case and point was taken, all the energy spent became in vain because Bo would do exactly what he agreed he wouldn't. The cycle would continue, over and over, and over again.

I don't know if my drama LIMIT has been maxed, or if being the only worker has made me feel alpha-like and therefore powerful (like he used to be), or if I have just simply exhausted any energy allotted to fighting with/for my husband. After all, I have spent more than a decade trying to fill this man's bucket; trying to make him happy, trying to keep him on the "right" path, trying to give him what he wants, caving to his every heart-felt, short-lived "I'm sorry", meanwhile leaving my bucket for any leftover scraps of contentment I could gather. By the way, I really do believe that I have had enough of "CONTENT". 

I typically don't get angry at the things my husband chooses to do, and how he lives his life, it's THE WAY HE GOES ABOUT IT that makes all the difference. But I also see that in an upbringing where people are always trying to make decisions for you, one has no other choice but to just feel so physically/emotionally choked.  I am doing to him exactly what his parents have done and still continue to do...try to control his life. I see how he detests it when they do it, so its no wonder that when I do the same, he has no problem rebelling against me. However, I refuse to put (any) more into this relationship than he is willing to match (and he knows this now), and the same goes for his health. I can't make him want to stop his bad habits to save his life. No one can save you but YOU. No one can change you but YOU. No one can make you happy but YOU. And now that I am coming to terms with my thinking errors over the years, I realize I have spent too much time trying to change him and not myself. I am stronger now. I am not so damn needy. Content is overrated. I want Happy. Extremely Happy, even. My abilities to choose my battles have given me so much peace and gosh, I really need to work on filling MY own bucket. I've had an overflow of the bad, and now it's time to fill MY bucket with good again. A big ol' GIANT bucket!