Love the Skin You're In, Or NOT

     I couldn't go to the gym this morning because Laila was sick, so I did what I could in my matchbox-sized living room: short Yoga/Pilates videos (for beginners of course) and Breathing Meditation (first time ever). My body type can't be messing around with these things, but who knew breathing and stretching could feel so good!?? Then, as Bo and I were watching INSANITY infomercials, I started to get all pumped about working out and losing weight so that I could get to a point where I could even TRY the crazy Insanity challenge.
     I must've been thinking I would have this awesome AFTER picture, because I decided I'd take a BEFORE picture of myself. Let me tell you, it was not cute. NOT. CUTE. AT. ALL! Later, at work, I weighed myself (don't have one at home yet) and the scale read 210, but I'm pretty sure it's off by a few pounds, lower than it should be. This is about the range I have steadily remained for the last 8 or 9 years--save the 2nd/3rd trimesters of my 2 pregnancies--and I have never gone below a size 16 (ok, sometimes 17/18) jeans, unless they were a kind of exceptional [insert Nacho Libre voice] streeeetchy pants. On the same note, I haven't owned a size Medium shirt in years!  I'm so used to this range that I don't remember how it felt to be 20 lbs lighter, let alone 40 or 50. But even when I was 155 lbs. and fit from playing high school sports, I didn't feel like I was slim or skinny. In my mind, I was a thick polynesian girl. Looking back, I was actually pretty dang scrawny, and I would LOVE to have that body now. Then, in my early twenties I flirted around the 170-90 bracket, not even caring that I was cutting it close to the next hundred.  It must be that I grow accustomed to, and feel content (<------there's that word I hate) in my skin, no matter the weight. Or shall I call it poor "body awareness," because I can easily let myself go and feel normal...still feel like a thick polynesian girl at 150 or 210 lbs., with no desire to change it? I really have never been obsessed over my weight, EVER, but I definitely know the difference when my thighs are rubbing together when I walk, my arms don't fit into a top that the rest of my body does, and when people congratulate me on my pregnancy when I'm nowhere near it (happened to me last Summer).
     Is there any way to train my psyche to feel I should be a fit, size 6, limber and agile polynesian girl? [Okay, let's be real, the last time I was a size 6 was probably when I was 6, so....ummmm, size 12?] Trying to do pilates at 210 lbs was so awkward, and to make it worse, I got off work at 10:30pm and had a teri burger and chips. Lol. I know, big FAIL. I guess I need to carry my crimzon BEFORE picture around to remind me what skin I should NOT be comfortable in. PS: If I ever have a huge REVEAL (lol) I will show you that picture. For now, that's a hell naw. I'm doing YOU a favor, trust me!