I don't know if being a stay at home mom is for me, when in actuality, that's all I wanted to "be" when I grew up. As a kid, I remembered saying I wanted to be an astronaut (just because), but in my teenage years, the only other career I ever thought about (besides MOM) was teaching. Don't get me wrong, I love being able to spend these early years with my kids, but I just don't think I'm very good at it. Not surprisingly, my husband is the "fun" parent, always wanting to go places and see new things as a family (mainly for Lole since Laila doesn't speak human), whereas I'm always the one saying, "How much is this going to cost?" or "How long are we gonna be?" or "How far away is it?" In fact, my husband convinced me everyday last week to "ditch" the chores so we can go out, and I did...but by the end of the week my chores were swearing at me and guess who had to do it all by herself?
Even with 2 kids, this staying home FULL TIME is quite new to me. When Lole was born, I was in school full-time and nearing "senior" status, held a BYUH leadership position for half of her first year, and a calling as Compassionate Service Leader. I even tutored for a few hours a week at Kahuku High and had awesome babysitting help from my sister, my in-laws, and friends from school and church. In contrast, being at home with now 4 year old Lole AND the new baby with nothing else to do but care for them (and Bo) is so much more challenging to me. I've mentioned before that when too many things are coming at me at once, I tend to get overwhelmed and shut down. I am finding that even having too much time to manage can be equally challenging because it can possibly lead to a sedentary life, feelings of depression and low self-worth.
To make matters worse, I've literally been AT HOME a lot this year. Besides appointments, weekly errands, and an occassional movie or date, I pretty much post up at home all day everyday. I pulled Lole out of preschool this Jan because I thought it was too expensive, and then I stopped taking her to another early preschool she'd been attending just because I thought it was waste time and boring. That was a mistake, 'cause now LOLE doesn't want to go anywhere either, which is so out of her norm. Ugh, what have I done?!
Tonight, I realized that my baby is going to be 6 months at the end of July and although she's quite healthy, I, on the other hand, am not. Physically, I still feel worse than I did when I was pregnant. My apetite is hitting the roof and it needs to HIT DA ROAD 'cause I can feel my fat accumulating in ways never before seen. My hair is thinning, I have very little drive/motivation, and just enough energy to cover the kids needs, not so much mine or my husband's. Spiritually, I'm not even there...for reals.
SO I GUESS MY "AHA" IS THIS: I am seemingly out-of-whack because of my need to become SELF-ACTUALIZED...(more on that later).....Therefore:
I'm tired of being tired, so I will go to bed earlier and go back to sleep as soon as I'm done pumping (as opposed to staying online for another hour or two when I'm pau). I need to stop playing online games, ie. Bejeweled Blitz, and play with my kids...preferrable OUTSIDE! For my health, I will make the time for any kind of exercise, even if it means walking around the yard, or paying for an aerobics class my sister has been trying to commit me to for the last few years. And as far as food goes, I think right now I can handle "portion control" until my will-power is strong enough to cut out the junk (almost) completely. This recession is teaching me that I need to invest further in a practical career, so I'm going to go back to school within the next year or 2 for an online MBA/ACC or M.Ed. (already checking out my options with Univ of Phoenix). Most importantly, my spirit is the most in dire condition. Even when I was partying, at least I always knew where I needed to be, but nowadays, I find it hard to sit in church and truly want to be there for the right reasons. Between battling old demons and wallowing in self-pity, I've lost that "warm feeling", the happiness that comes from knowing I am doing exactly what the Lord wants me to, and finding TRUE JOY in that. With that said, I guess I have to get back to the basics ON EVERYTHING (me, my family and God) and find ways to live to my potential. Stay tuned.
7 comments:
Oh sis!! Thanks for sharing!! I almost was in tears reading your post since..I think your not alone!! Every stay at home tends to feel this way at some point. In my opinion I think stay at home mothers need at least a day or two away from home. Not because we don't love our families, but because its very human to need time for ourselves. I find that being away from home even if I'm shopping or helping my father in law with work at his office makes want to come and appreciate my family and want to clean. But I remember when i first started this stay at home position I always felt tired and lazy and not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. But, I hope you can find time for yourself. Not to be selfish but your soul needs it!! I love you! I'll call you soon.
Girl, same boat...different time. I worked thru Bronx's first year, and then when Blaise came I was a stay-at-home (which I thought was what I wanted). Until I realized I was a lazy-okole-stay-at-home mom. After Brooky I thought I needed to go to work (for added finances but also for sanity). I find myself wanting to be a stay-at-home mom again...but this time with the thought that if I do stay-at-home, it'll be with purpose...to teach my kids, to play with them. So if I ever get that opportunity again...I won't waste it! Thanks for the AA meeting. hehe!
Tala, I love this post. I love the honesty and frankness. I love that you're not scared to put it all out there too. In my marriage, up in Canada, I was the same way. I was bordering on total insanity, and I knew I had to do something. My ex-hub and I were growing apart, and he wasn't even Mormon, it was hard, but I had to say goodbye to it all. I'm now mostly better off, I still have my lazy tendencies, but most of the time, I WANT to go and do things, so that I'm not lazy and depressed. Once you're there, you don't ever want to go back!
I admire you for desiring that change, that's always the first step! Definitely keep us posted. :) See if there's any service you can offer to anyone, I know that always helps me feel better about my situation, because there's always someone out there who needs it more than me! :) Good Luck!
Girl, I admire you for taking steps to improve yourself because you truly want to...you're my hero!
you know Tala what you are going through is so normal!Okay I posted on your other blog but can it be that we are the same person? lol Nah but seriously self actualization is a step I try to help people get to but its hard when i havent reached thier in so many ways myself. i agree with Hine because I have gone through that rollercoaster of a ride of wanting to go to work and wanting to be at home with the family but I was lazy okole too Hine! Making it purposeful is the key in acutalizing your goals and lifestyle you want for yourself. Finding balance in the two world if you have to as well. Self care is so important because like weve heard many times before we cannot take care of others if we cannot take care of ourselves. Im glad you are looking at your options. Always keep them open. Dont overwhelm yourself but look at the opportunities you have with your children and for yourself. And dont forget your hubby! ITs always easier when they included! But girl you have so much support, If I can help you in any way give me a call. I AM Moving forward! Postivie self affirmations are helpful for me! PHD Phsycology or Counseling in the next two years!WE CAN DO IT!
did you read my journal?? cause this is STRAIGHT from it...
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