the worst few minutes of my life

GOD always has a way of reminding me who's in control, and why i cannot give up the good fight. last night i was faced with the fear of losing my child when Laila had a seizure in the middle of her sleep.

mid afternoon, laila began to be feverish, and automatically i knew it was because she has 6 new teeth coming in. bo's parents urged us to take her to the hospital, but we assumed it was just a normal fever and that we could fight it with tylenol/motrin easily. she was sleepy most of the rest of the day and wanted nothing else but to nurse. i should've been tipped off when i saw her shaking a bit when she was wanting to go to sleep. she had not eaten since lunch and it was nearing 9pm when i saw it. but again, i didn't give it much thought because of her teething and i thought that she had felt better after the medicine and playing with me and her sisiter for a good hour. she fell asleep on her stomach and almost 45 mins later we heard her cry a bit...and then my husband screamed when he saw that she had stiffened up and he recognized that "look" she had in her face (his little sister constantly had seizures as a kid). by the time i turned around she was shaking in that stiff position, with her teeth clenched. as we tried to pry her mouth open and get our fingers in there to keep her tongue down and mouth open for air, her eyes were still open but not "there"...her body was still stiff as i held her tightly and pushed my fingers through her mouth. she chomped down so hard, but i didn't care if she bit my finger off, as long as i could keep the airway open and stop her from swallowing her tongue (i was in panic mode and had NO IDEA what to do. luckily bo had seen this so many times before as a kid, so i listened to him instruct me on how to handle her.) i screamed a lot. i yelled for his dad, i think it was because i wanted someone near who could give her a blessing. moments later, her teeth were still clamping on my fingers, but her face started to turn blue, and her eyes rolled back...even her body stopped shaking...it was the worst feeling in the world. i just kept yelling at her to get up and listen to mommy's voice. when i heard her moaning about 15 seconds later, i knew that she was still alive. her chomp loosened up but she wouldn't wake up...i feared the worst as i tried to look for signs as we drove to the hospital. and then the thought of going to the junkest hospital in the world just made me cringe even more, but since i wanted her to get attention ASAP, we had no choice.

what the doctors called a "fever seizure" is common they say, because sometimes it's not how hot a child gets, but how quickly their temp can jump, even just a few degrees.she was 100.4 when we got there but she was able to cry and opened her eyes there. after tests, they decided that she MAY or MAY NOT have a little pneumonia (yah, i don't get what "may or may not" means either)...she must've been closer to "may not" because they just sent us home with some antiboitics and more tylenol because her vitals were good and they couldn't find any reason to keep her. by the time we came home she was already feeling cooler. dad stopped at the store to get popsicles and juice and soup, and let me tell you i have never been so happy to see her eat...ever. she even talked to us, laughed and danced, and walked around until she fell asleep in her grandma's arms.

while waiting for laila's test results at the ER, my daughter lole and i had a moment. laila was sleeping in my arms and all the emotion caught up to me, especially the guilt every mother feels when anything happens to their child. i looked over and saw that it was the same for lole, the emotion had caught up to her too and she was holding back the tears until i called her name. we cried together. she was so sad.  i told her i would say a prayer for her sister so that she would feel better and so that those around her could feel comfort that she would be ok. it was during this time that i realized all the drama from the day before--fighting with my husband because of his alcohol problem and not coming home from work until 8am the next day--is all so INSIGNIFICANT when compared to the bigger picture: the well-being and safety of my kids, my overall happiness as their mother, and our future together as a family.

as always, my mountains seem so small when compared to the love that can MOVE those mountains, the love of a heavenly father who continually shows me how to realign my priorities/feelings and to cherish my children like the true gifts that they are. while experiencing the worst few minutes of my life, heavenly father brought me to humility...to remembrance of who's in control...that my trials are teaching me to lay the burden where it belongs so i can focus on my children, my family, and the joy that can be attained.

sweet sweat

     i haven't made any time to exercise in so long that i had almost forgotten how much i love to sweat...at least when it comes to sports, and physical exercise.  as a new fan of BIGGEST LOSER, i'm always so moved to change/improve my physical health...and then i wake up the next morning and forget about how inspired i was, until the next show. last night i was so stressed/irritated that i just needed to get out and sweat...so i ran.(well, mostly walk for now). it brought me back to a time when i was a teen and i heard my parents arguing. back then we lived on moana st--the haole side, lol--so i ran to byuh and around the big circle twice without stopping. that had never happened before even though i played high school sports. (always HATED running!) it was so therapeutic and it was the first time i ever realized the importance of physical exercise on the emotional state of mind.
     last night during my hour of running/walking, i spoke to my heavenly father. in my mind and out loud, i went over my most important troubles, things that i could never bring myself to speak to another human ear. and then it hit me how much i had needed this outlet. when i walked, i talked/thought things over. and when i ran, i forgot about them to focus on my breathing...my body...my will. it is amazing how our physical and mental capacities have the power to influence each other. i hope i have found a new friend in running (exercise in general), because sweat is so sweet to me. it assures me that mind and body are working, not just for my heath, but also to better my soul.

MAY DAY

Lole had her very first May Day this year on the 6th. Her preschool performs with Kahuku Elementary, so unlike Laie who had theirs @ PCC (my preferred venue), Kahuku had theirs at BYUH Canon Activities Center (nice only for the AC). The week leading up to May Day was pretty exciting, I mean if you live in Hawaii, namely the North Shore, you know that May Day is like no other. Rather than stick to the usual Polynesian cultures, our Kahuku/Laie schools typically choose a wide range of countries/themes to represent. For instance, my nephew's 3rd grade class did South Africa, 4th graders did Bollywood, and the 5th graders did a 80s Rock-n-Roll themed production, all of which were awesome!

Lole's classmates did AMERICA, and had little boys come in on 3 wheeled bikes like a biker gang. Then they walked on to the stage in a flag formation and did 3 different numbers.The boys did a short Born in the USA, then the girls followed by the girls' short Chippette version of Single Ladies, and then they all came together at the end with Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA. It was way cute and I was so bummed that my husband had to miss it for work, but the video coverage was enough to serve as a reminder that you just HAVE TO BE THERE next time.

 

My sister (pictured with her family) was in it too because she is a PTT (part time teacher) there, and helped the Kindergarten class with SAMOA, and then she participated in the faculty/staff Ho Down Throw Down number. I was so proud of Lole and her cousins, and even my sister for doing such a great job! It was definitely a "first" that I will never forget!

Tagiilima Togiai

while watching tv this afternoon, my sis-in-law heard the faint sound of crying coming from somewhere downstairs. at first i thought i was hearing things, and then i just started running when i realized it was not crying, but wailing. the sounds got louder towards the side of the house, and sure enough, there under the ulu tree sat my aunty L (bo's mom's sister) who was on the phone. i was scared. i thought something had happened to her or her husband (who wasn't there), because what else could make a woman cry so painfully? even though I had NO idea what her reasons were just yet, my aunt's "oiaue's" were enough to break my heart into a million pieces. she could barely get out a sentence, when asked what was wrong, and as i hugged her close, she screamed something in tongan, and then it became clear when she uttered the word "mate" (die/dead)...and then her granddaughter's name, "Tagi."

this is the story and the video coverage of what happened to our dear niece, our aunty's granddaughter. 

aunty L and her husband T bloomfield have been living with us since '08 because they love it here, but their real home is in west valley, utah, where their granddaughter died today. my heart grieves for all the family members, even tagi's great-grandmother (aunty L's mom), who was left to care for the children when this tragedy occurred. i cried a lot for aunty L, for the sorrow in her face, and the pain in her voice...how every so often she would just break down in rounds of "oiaue".  i cried thinking about the pain all adult parties have, because we are a people of conscience, and when things like this happen to children, there is always a burden of guilt...of "what if?" but mostly, i cried for tagi. i know she is in a better place now, but how alone and scared tagi must have been...oh, it is unbearable to think about what she suffered in her last moments.

lole played with tagi 2 summers ago when they visited from utah. they were around the same age. tagi was quiet, but unafraid. she rarely cried. she is survived by her tongan mother, elesi (elsie) bloomfield and her samoan father, junior togiai and her 4 other siblings. she is one of (just about) 40 of aunty L's grandchildren. she will be sorely missed, and my prayer is that all of tagi's family may be comforted by the Savior's healing power and the love of our Heavenly Father.

rest in peace baby girl.  xxx

view her obituary here.

COUNTRY MERCANTILE TRUFFLE GIVEAWAY

ok, i've been away for a while...and it feels good to be back. so, first thing to catch up on is: CHOCOLATE! found this on shanae's blog, and i totally wanna win!!! check it out here.

WISH ME LUCK!

Preschool Photo

Yesterday we got Lole's preschool pictures, taken by one of her teachers, Aunty Jojo. 

 Isn't this the cutest? Never in my life did I EVER have a school flick as nice as this.
Times are changing I tell ya.

Musn't forget the classic CLASS PICTURE:

Atop a Mountain in Manoa 3/7/10

 A few weeks ago we attended a birthday party @ the TREETOP RESTAURANT in Manoa. It was quite a drive, but once up there, the scenery was beautiful because we were surrounded by a variety of trees and greenery. The air was so clean and aside from the noise of the birthday party, it was so peaceful. The restaurant was pretty old—and thankfully going through some renovations—but it was breathtaking to be so far from my familiar ocean, and yet still feel the serenity that comes from living in the lushness of Hawaii.

Keanu, the birthday boy, is the son of one of Bo’s co-workers, and when we first arrived he was dressed in traditional Korean attire (as his father is half Korean). There was a display of candies and dumplings made especially for traditional Korean 1^st birthdays. The candy display was beautiful but it was not for eating, and the dumplings were similar to mochi, only more bland.  My Laila couldn’t get enough of the Korean pears though! 

The restaurant food was awesome. I can’t even remember what was all there besides the ono ribs and fish. My kids had a blast making balloon toys galore, and eating cotton candy, and shave ice, and enjoying the magician show. The icing at the top for me was literally the icing from the yummy red velvet bday cake they served. It was soooo good and I took a big plate home with me. Seriously, to die for!

Oh, and there was also a photographer at the party, taking family photos on the balcony. What's great about this picture is that the backdrop isn't a canvas...it's the real thing.

Ali Campbell Concert 3.21

Former UB40 lead singer Ali Campbell graced us with his presence at a concert last night at Aloha Tower in Honolulu. Opening for him were Manao Co., Siaosi, and NZ's Three Houses Down. Island sensation "Fiji" was supposed to perform too but didn't....and with no explanation might I add...how's that? I shoulda got a partial refund because tickets were $35 a piece. Plus, Bo invited a couple who didn't pay for theirs, so we ended up losing money on that...(I could've went to my nieces Tahitian competition the day before with that money...GRRR~!)

Anyway, aside from the concert being on Sunday, so far away, expensive, and crowded with people, majority of them drunk, Ali Campbell more than made up for it. We got there when Siaosi was singing his last number (bummer) and then 3HD performed just before Ali. Hearing all the UB40 songs we grew up with was classic, even if I had to stand/dance for hours in heels. After the concert we were gonna kick it with Siaosi at the hotel 3HD was staying at, but it was already 3 am and Bo needed to go home and catch at least an hour or 2 of sleep for work.. Always a next time, I say.

Cruise Day

      It's the last day of Spring Break before the weekend rings in. We started the day by taking my father in law to his doc appt in Kailua, and then were pleasantly surprised when Bo called to say they had to stop work and was gonna meet us there. So, in essence, a day of chauffeuring around the in-laws (who knows where) turned into a day with Daddy (which we always love!)

Daddy always makes the girls' day...I mean, look at those smiling faces!!!

     The downside is that he has to work tomorrow (Saturday), so we only had today to really do anything as a family. We ate a huge lunch at KFC and then headed to the mall to change our oil. We ran into the my friend Harmony and her family, who just arrived from Utah for her brother-in-law's homecoming. (Lucky Delta-weekend-travelers!) Lole and I found some nice pink shoes from Pay-less, which I was able to get a 20% discount on through those sales texts they send out. She actually slept with the shoes on her pillow tonight!

       While we waited for the oil change, Lole, Tina and Bo played games while I went looking for movie snacks *heavy fat sigh* We watched "Our Family Wedding" which I heard great reviews via FB. Personally, I thought it was junk. There were a few funny parts, but the acting from ALL characters left me feeling robbed of real entertainment.  Anyway, that was pretty much our day. We came home, did a little grocery shopping, ate an early dinner and now I am thinking about making a Caramel Frappe run since our Laie McDs FINALLY has 'em.

      Days like this that are so CRUISE and everything seems to go smoothly are typically followed by days that do the exact opposite. I am hoping tomorrow will not be chaotic, full of drama, or the like, because every time I get comfy, something happens to shake everything up again. Tonight I re-watched (and was glued to) Tyler Perry's "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" on TV. So many wonderful messages, quotes, and one-liners if you will, were SCREAMING to me. It's kind of sad how much I can relate to a variety of broken hearts portrayed in the movie. I'll have to dedicate a post to my favorite movie quotes alone, because I'm just too tired right now. I have a feeling I'm gonna need my energy...soon.

On Seta...pushing 40.

(She's gonna kill me for that title!) haha! 

 Today, my oldest sister (she's the one in the middle, pictured here with 3 of her 5 girls) turned *ahem* 37. Yes, 37!! Ugh, that means I am soon to turn 32 and NOT looking forward to it! Anyway, she is the first of the 4 girls in our family, and she is currently expecting baby #8 (a boy to join 2 older brothers). I really don't know how she does it. When I was on *insert another AHEM here* "vacation" towards the end of last year, I stayed with her family of 9. Immediately I was humbled at the amount of work it takes to raise 7 children, esp with the 4 youngest ones so close in age. I only have 2 children and I don't have half the energy it takes to care for them with the consistency she does. I learned a lot from her about patience and the divine role of mother. Despite all the chaos that having a large family can bring, my sister never loses her cool, never complains, still has time to serve others, and most definitely never asks for "me" time. It just seemed like motherhood was her thing and it made me feel like it was NOT mine, because I do such a horrible job in comparison. Even with the demands that her children, her husband, and her church calling has on her, she still took the time to care for the needs of mine and my children. I never missed home when I was in hers, and Lole just had the time of her life being around all her cousins everyday. I miss her dearly but I am grateful we can still talk on the phone. She is always there for me when I need her. I love you sis! HAPPY BIRTHDAY...and MUCH MUCH MORE!

I "borrowed" this picture from her FB, because obviuosly, I wasn't there.

St. Patrick's Day

I remembered nothing about the history of this day, except it had something to do with an Irishman, shamrocks, and the color green. I also envision a leprechaun and a pot of gold, but maybe that's just because the Lucky Charms guy is Irish. So, that morning we all wore green to a little get together @ Steph J's LOVELY home for some painting, playtime, snacks, and good company. Not that it's a bad thing, but I was the only polynesian lady there. Lol! That hasn't happened since my days in the Laie 2nd "Haole Ward" living amongst all the BYUH faculty kids on Moana st. The girls had fun running wild on the wonderfully green grass, jumping on the trampoline and soaking up some much needed sun. Spring Break thus far has been a bit of a drag with all this windy, rainy, beach UNfriendly weather so it was nice to get out, even just for a little while.

I turned around from where I was sitting to find Lole chillin' out on the bench eating that popcorn off the grass with about 4 or 5 other girls. It was so cute, but so wrong. The girl in the tutu is photographer Mark Lee's daughter, who Lole went to Na Kamalei preschool with 2 years ago.

 And here's Laila's sign of approval...or maybe she's just eating a grape. Either way, still no HAIR! AHHHH!

THE BIG 5

Yup, my candy girl turned 5!! Geesh! Lole has been anxiously waiting to turn 5 since Laila turned 1 in January. She's also been asking for a party since her sister's, but we're gonna have to wait on that for a little while. The Friday before her birthday, we took red velvet/funfetti cupcakes (thanks Fia) and ice cream for her preschool class and sang "Happy Birthday" there. The next day we hit up a birthday party in town and completely forgot to get Lole's gifts on our way home...so like true procrastinators, we had to buy her b-day things from Foodland. (Fired, I know!) Sunday morning, she woke up to balloons, a few toys, her favorite reeses candies, a dress for church, and a pillow-blanket she's been asking for. For me it was hard to really get into the spirit of her bday since it was Sunday and I usually wait until Sunday to get my things ready for primary. Daddy brought her Sunday school class some yummy yellow cupcakes with princess rings on top and we ate her favorite Dominoes pizza after church. (She originally wanted L&L's but it was closed, so pizza was the next best thing.) Later that night we sang "Happy Birthday" again and celebrated with some more ice cream and rainbow cake and cupcakes. Aunties Tati and Mei made her a special Activity/coloring book for church, which she loves. And she later received an outfit and more candy from her cousins in Utah, and then her favorite cousin Juju brought her a princess crown, a wand, birthday sash, Princess and the frog outfit and journal, cute little hair extensions, and a new pen. I know she still wants a birthday party, so stay tuned to find out if we can make her wish come true.  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!

where did february go?

2/5 i went on another of lole's field trips to DOLE PLANTATION, a place i've never been in all my 20+ years here. the weather has been windy and cold lately, and it all started this day. we went on a cute little train ride, sampled pineapple, and went through the world's largest maze. the pineapple was scrumptious! did you know that a light rinsing before eating helps take away that acidic taste? i don't know how i never knew that! anyway, the maze was aMAZE-ing and it helped so much that it was overcast and windy instead of hot and bothery. yah, "bothery". haha! me and my niece jaz got through half of the mazes, but we couldn't finish the rest because we only had an hour in there. we all had a blast.

2/8 i fell in love with laie chop suey after this day. i have never been as big a fan as i am now because bo has a way of making me LOOVE foods that i usually don't. now, i will do cartwheels for their honey walnut shrimp and our must have roast duck, s&s pork, and hot buns. sometimes we'll order like 5 entrees just for the four of us (me bo and the kids) but we make sure to eat errrrrrrrryfing!

2/12 valentines day has never really been celebrated much in our home (something i hope to remedy in the future), so i'm glad that at least lole got to celebrate at school that friday. they had a special party, a jumper, treats and vday activities from their teachers and exchanged goodies with her friends. i don't know about you guys, but this day is way cooler now then when i was a kid. on the real vday, lole came home after church and mentioned what a great day she had. then she reached up to the sky and said "happy valentiMes day Jesus!"

2/15 a family friend invited us to come and watch EDDIE GRIFFIN live @ the waikiki shell. i thought it would be nice since i've never been to a comedy show aside from the local acts like augie t. plus, i sort of enjoyed eddie's first season of "Going for Broke". on the day of, we ran into our good friends (who are more like sisters) and bo thought to invite them so we could all cruise town. secretly i thought it was a bad idea, considering i wasn't sure what it would be like. we took his little sister with us too and that was another mistake because eddie's opening material ended up being just what i had feared...too explicit for 2 returned missionaries and 1 preparing to be one. the girls walked out and cruised waikiki instead. it was embarassing and bo and i should've left too, but stayed out of courtesy to our friends that invited us. aside from the nasty stuff, he was actually pretty dang funny.

2/27 bo and i planned weeks ahead to make it out to ROOTS ROCKAZ in haleiwa to support our laie peeps. details withheld, bo and i had a fight, and after a plethora (yes, plethora) of swear words, i took my husband with me anyway, and forgave him anyway, although not right away. i was still very angry at the club, UNTIL my cousin johnny sang the first lines of beres hammond's "they gonna talk". ♫ some things were meant to be, so why not let it be...and stop worryin' about it ♫ thanks to roots rockaz soothing reggae music, i built my bridge and GOT OVER IT.

2/28 so the night of the roots rockaz performance, we got news (while dancing) that there was a TSUNAMI alert and that it was to arrive around 11 the next morning. by the time we got home around 4am, the gas line was hella long and people were already waiting outside of foodland to buy supplies. i came home and packed my family's necessities and went to sleep. as soon as our things were in the car the next morning, we drove around looking for higher ground. rather than go to the very crowded mauka chapel, temple grounds, kahuku elem, and gunstock ranch, we went up kahuku farm roads to what seemed like the highest hill ever. i slept atop that rocky mountain, after watching the waters proved uneventful. still, i'm grateful that our tsunami ended up being a few meters (or maybe it was centimeters)...whatever the case, thank you God!

there's nothing like the threat of a natural disaster to make you stop complaining about your life, because in an instant everything that matters most to you could be taken away. february came and went as quickly as the tsunami threat did, but they both stayed long enough to remind me that life is too short to not constantly give, feel, and be loved.

l&l moments

when my kids are sound asleep i miss moments like THIS...when they can't get enough of me and i can't get enough of them!

laila, 

as you can see is very unintersted in taking pictures...she is currently walking EVERYWHERE... exploring EVERYTHING. although I miss her baby-"ness" it's SOOO fun to watch her reaction to new things and just watching her PLAY. she's got quite a bit of a shy-bug, so much that sometimes we can't even tell she's there...but get in her way and she will let it be known. (plus, we bought her these squeaky shoes for her bday so we never lose her!) she points to her nose, calls for her daddy, loves to be read to, and walks straight to the bathroom whenever i say "shower". she's fallen on her head so much, it's reassuring when i realize she's smarter than i think. she's so smart she figured out how to make grandpa buy us a new toilet by throwing a toy acorn in there. good lookin out baby! i can't be gone from her too long cause i miss her right away. i love my little partner!

lole, 

as you might tell has been posing for the camera since day one. she is currently learning to READ and LOOVES to play. when she's not playing, she is just writing and drawing. gone are the days when we would camp on disney channel all..day...long! thank goodness! i find her singing all the time, not just songs from school, church, or the radio, but MADE-UP ones too. her voice has much potential! she likes to have fun, has tons of friends yet she has no problem telling people what to do...in a good way. her teacher described her as the "peacemaker"...sort of the mother of the whole bunch. (must've been all that training she got from home). but she is smart and keen on all of my emotions so i need to be a little more careful about what i say to her. i love her so much...if anyone can put me in check, IT'S HER!

tonight while lole was sleeping, laila kept trying to wake her up, and when she finally succeeded...they laid cheek to cheek and gave each other a big hug!

Laila's 1st Bday Party

I had a week and a half to put together a party for Laila (that wasn't supposed to happen but did). The night before her birthday party was her real birthday and so amidst all the chaos of preparing the chapel, decorations, and food, we had to make an ER run because she fell off the bed headfirst. That was a scare, and we were irritated that she had a big lump on her forehead come party time, but at least she was ok.  We threw her a cupcake themed party, infusing the colors pink and blue, inspired by this picture by our photographer friend, Stephanie J.

 The week of her party, Bo was off island, so I spent restless nights conceptualizing and finalizing what I wanted, including this invite that took me forever to get right. Tissue pompoms were a BIZNATCH to make too, but I was trying to see if I could decorate WITHOUT the use of balloons. Luckily we had the help of some young (and skinny) family friends who helped get fish line across the chapel hall so we could hang the different colored pompoms. Our round tables were covered in different shades of blue and pink and the centerpieces were colored pink and blue plates taped to plastic margarita glasses that were flipped upside down to look like a single cupcake stand. It was way cute. Each plate was filled with an assortment of cupcakes topped with mostly homemade frostings. We had over 400 chocolate, yellow, rainbow, red velvet, and guava cupcakes (thanks to my friends for baking help), a BIG strawberry cupcake for her birthday candle, and a full pre-sliced sheet cake. The food: Fried chicken, Lu pulu, Sweet potato, rice, potato salad, teriyaki meatballs, egg fu yung, chop suey, raw fish, fai kakai, otai, and fruit salad and later, homemade cheesecake and my cousin Sina's yummy mini cupcakes. 

We reserved the primary room for the kids and filled it with huge balloons and a face painter. Instead of goody bags I had my sister bake reeses peanut butter topped brownies and her kids stuffed them in treat bags with thank you labels. Those were fun! My father-in-law also hired a one-man band but he was eating most of the time, and a dj that wasn't actively dj-ing, mostly playing a playlist. Lol. Next time I'll just play cds. It was cute and fun and even though I barely slept for a week and a half, it was worth it.

Her bday attire, before she snatched that Tongan lei off

 

 Laila blowing out her candle on her big cupcake

I didn't let her attack her big cupcake, instead she ate a little one

  

Big sister's face design

 

Can you see her head bump? Lol.   

almost there, baby

hard to believe that almost a year ago, i looked like this. the flicc was taken 11 days before i gave birth, moments after i arrived home from a night out for dinner and manicure with the girls. toting Laila around in my belly was the best, save all the extra stuff (heartburn, bloating, etc). she was heavy but i felt strong, physically. i loved every rad kicking movement and every somersault. ironically, i went through a myriad of negative emotions while carrying her too and that was not fun. mostly, it had nothing to do with the baby blues. thank heavens she survived all of that unnecessary stress because i don't know where i would be without her at this point in my life.

now as the days inch closer to her 1st birthday i feel so overwhelmed with gratitude. how this wretched soul of mine could've gotten so lucky, goes beyond my understanding. not a day has gone without her right by my side. when she's hungry, it's me, when she's tired, it's me, when she's hurt, it's me....only me...who can comfort her. even when she's happy she turns to me, to reciprocate her smiles. i've never felt so needed by another human being and it's humbling to know God loved me soooo much...that He sent her at a time when i needed her more. thank you for braving it with me, baby. it's been almost a year...

again

i've been here before. slept with a broken heart, barely. maybe not so much broken (because you can't break this heart any more than it already has), but in AWE...wondering awe, how someone could be so cold, so inconsiderate, so thoughtless, so heartless. i despise (to my soul) the fact that i stay married to an alcoholic; that i sit here helpless and hanging on to someone that doesn't want to be held on to. someone who when he doesn't come home at night, doesn't answer your calls, leaves you to your thoughts about where the hell he could be and what the hell he could be doing, and then downplays his action to make you feel like you shouldn't chastise him because he is working so hard for your family, and promises never to do it again...promises never to let you sleep with a broken heart again, and does. this feels so....the last four years. it leaves the most bitter taste in your mouth, when you know you did nothing to deserve it. when you've given a million and more chances to him to make it right, and you've tried to forgive as God asks, and you've gone against your better judgment and advice from those closest to you, to try one more time.

for my friend

today, one of my best friends celebrated his 32nd year of life. (wow, doesn't seem that old until you write it down.)  what can i say about maafu, besides that "he's sooo funny" (insider). over the years, our friendship has grown to accommodate the real life drama/lessons/experiences that comes with adulthood. unfairly, but not on purpose, i have often used  him as my crutch through the shitty and the sad because he always managed to pick my spirits up. (sorry) but when you have someone in your life that you've known since you were 9, who played pepper with you in high school, who wrote to you from 3 different states on his mission, who told you when your boyfriend cheated on you, who planned your baby shower, who answers your phone call at 3 in the morning, who scolds you when you're an adult, who you can sit around doing nothing and still have the time of your life with, who counsels you for your children's sake, who KNOWS you unlike anybody else, and is still your friend when you hurt them...you just never want to lose someone like that. i can say so much more but maafu has so many other faces besides his funny one, my favorite being the one who gives selflessly and compassionately without care for anything in return. so even though it's his birthday, i want to say what a gift he has been in my life. since the 5th grade he has made me laugh. i guess that's a gift you just don't lose, ever! thank you maafu for your friendship, may you have many more years to share your gift with others like me.

weekend whirl

monday already? happy holiday everyone (thanks to MLK, my daughter and hubby can sleep in)! here is my weekend in review:

friday (MLK's real bday)

our anniversary day started off with a trip to town for some shopping, after taking lole to school. I woke up to these:

and grubbed on the best breakfast for your buck from Mitsu-ken's in Kalihi:

and later went to watch da man:

and ate hella dry ribs (never again) @ Chillis, but this was gone in a matter of seconds:

 we were so to' up by the end of the day (more than usual, at least):

 

saturday

ate taco bell for breakfast (i know, who does that?), went to the farm, and then to town again to return the rental and my $150 cell phone that i didn't need. that afternoon me and the kids went to ricky's reception @ byuh. omg, the food was ono: palusami, chicken, ham, noodles, sapasui, kalo, potato salad, opihi and poke, trifle for days, cakes, cakes and pulingi. mmm mmm, the beauty of polynesian weddings! entertainment was nice. there was a halau that performed, maliana galeai's kids, terina them, even a special number by ricky's dad (brought his karaoke mic and everything). i wish i recorded the number from the campbell whanau (and allll the maoris) cause they were the bomb! shucks. anyway, here are some clips of the night:

sunday

once again, i waited till right before church to prepare for singing time (it's only my 3rd week as the new primary chorister, 4 counting the sunday they called me and put me straight to work...eek!) so like the previous sundays, i ended up winging it quite a bit. the primary children are so awesome, and i have THE BEST pianist, sis. faleolo. the jr primary learned the 2nd verse of i know that my Savior love's me by coming up with motions to remember the words per class. for the most part they're catching on. then we did a song using the symbols fast, slow, hum, loud, etc...unfortunately i did it to a song they didn't know by heart, so it was kinda blah. the sr. primary did great. (i always do different things for the jr/sr primary because of age.) i split them up into groups again and they unscrambled 2 lines each from the 2nd verse of our new song. then i asked them to choose a song that best relates to their line and then either sing it in front of the class (thereby qualifying them for a special treat next week) or have the rest of the class sing it (no treat). ALL of the groups got up and sang their song, so i need to think of something to reward them with. i didn't say the treat would be edible, so we'll see.

mom made lusipi and kumala after church and then our little family ended the night with dinner @ the fullmer brother's home on the point (bo's  high school friends from utah). they were such awesome company--total of 11 kids between the 2 bros and their sis emily--and we are looking to get together a lot more often.

DECADE

Not long after we met, I knew I wanted him. He was different, in a bad-boy, bad-for-me kind of way, but I liked it, and I was determined to make it right. With him, it was always an adventure; I felt carefree, yet oddly protected by his aggression. He lived dangerously cool and uninhibited, while I was soooo the opposite. He was the lion, I was the lamb and we were young, but inseparable. I still recall the first time he told me he loved me with the deepest sincerity, and I believed. Months later he informally asked me to marry him, and on Jan. 15, 2000, we did. 

♥  ♥  ♥  ♥  ♥  ♥  ♥  ♥  ♥  ♥

That was ten years ago. Like most marriages, ours has never once been perfect, or total and complete bliss, but it has been a journey. I would venture to say it's been a very SCENIC journey, and an even better one now with the addition of our two sweethearts. We are alike in our differences. We are opposites that still attract. We are 2, but 1. We survived an entire decade filled with joy and pain, and continue to TRY to uphold/forgive each other, so we can persist...w/ God's help. I know that I am in the right place today, if my heart still flutters when I hear the phone ring and see his name, or if I can still laugh hysterically at his silliness/stupidity, or if I still feel incomplete in my own home without him near, or if when he says I LOVE YOU, I still believe.